Giving up

( trigger warning,suicide,self harm)

In eighth grade I wouldn’t let myself be happy, or let others help me. I had completely given up. I started to stay in my room , endlessly unpurposefully scrolling through instagram, I didn’t even look at the stuff on my feed I just scrolled to scroll. I constantly layed in bed and felt nothing. I never went outside ot talked to my family. I hardly ever showered or did anything for myself. I felt like life had no purpose, like I was just in a never ending cycle for no reason. I was so sad I couldn’t get out of bed. I felt like all there was to life was to go to school come home, eat,sleep and repeat. All the days blurred together. My parents were angry I was letting myself be this way. I was cutting more than ever , almost three times a week or more. My parents didn’t know. They had no idea about the cutting. I would always change in gym class with fresh cuts because I was required to change out. Many girls saw the bleeding cuts and didn’t ever say anything. I was glad at the time but now I wish someone would have told the teacher so my counselor would know, but I don’t blame them. (If you or someone you know self harms speak up and tell someone) I didn’t have a therapist or someone I could tell. I really thought I was alone. I hated myself and the world I felt I was forced to live in. I then tried to commit suicide. It doesn’t matter how or when, just that I survived, and i’m very lucky to have survived. I told my mom about what was going on ,she took me to the ER. They took care of me and then I was sent to the mental ward. The mental ward was not like what you see on tv where people are locked in tiny rooms and given a bunch of pills. It was a very comfortable environment. I meet people who were going through the same thing as me and some who were going through something completely different. I was put on an antidepressant. I was nervous at first and I didn’t know what to do but the nurses helped me adjust. Everyday we would have group and singular therapy and talk about our goals. I made some friends too. I was still sad and apathetic but if I felt like I was a threat to myself or needed someone to talk to the nurses were there. They were not like usual nurses and were there for everyone, they were more our friends than our bosses. We had inside jokes and serious conversations with each other. The nights there were hard, I would lay there and wonder what it would be like if I were successful. Despite all the care and help I had in the ward I was still upset that I didn’t die. In the ward the thing I remember most was how we were always inside in the same five rooms all day. It was a nice place but it still felt small after being there so much. They had white film over the big common room window( so people couldn’t see inside) and we could feel the sun but never see it. It made me feel trapped. I missed outside. Then I was released and I got to smell and feel the air and I cried because it was so beautiful and I nearly missed it. After that I regularly saw a therapist. I hoped things would get better, but the world was relentless and they didn’t, not quite yet.

For suicide and mental health resources go to Thirteenreasonswhy.com

If you or someone you know suffers from depression self harm or other mental health issues tell a counselor or trusted adult.

The Beginning (6-7 grade)

 

( trigger warning,self harm)

I started to feel depressed when I was in sixth grade, I tried really hard to fit in with the popular girls and I became a horrible person. I didn’t know who I really was because everything I did was fake. I was alone. I didnt have any frineds for the rest of the year and I was bullied by my ex ¨friends.¨ In seventh grade I became friends with people who were a lot like me. I didn’t realize it at the time but they treated me like shit. They all started to cut themselves and would show me, I didn’t understand but They told me how much it helped them feel less sad, they glorified it and in my damaged mind it sounded like a solution. I started by scratching myself to the point of drawing blood.  At the time I thought “this will only happen once it’s just scratches.¨ Then I got a phone for my birthday and I statred to follow suicidal kids and look at sad and disturbing images. To this day I dont understand why, but im told its normal. I could relate to those kids.  I progressively got worse, scratches weren’t enough. I started to cut myself with dull knives. I didn’t realize how much I was ruining myself, how much I needed help. I told some close friends of mine that I thought would keep my secret. They didn’t and to this day i’m so grateful they didn’t. The counselor called me in, I was so angry they told on me. The counselor didn’t know what she was doing but she did do one thing right, she called my mother and made me sign up for therapy. I was emotionless, apathetic and I didn’t care that people wanted to help me. I thought I would be emotionless forever. I went to a therapist she was nice, she diagnosed me with major anxiety, she said I didn’t have depression. I went to see her every week and we played coping games for anxiety. I never told her that my cutting had gotten worse , that I was sad. I stopped seeing her because I  was missing a lot of school to see her. I wish I would have told her, maybe I could have gotten help. Despite my depression I kept my friends and I ignored the signs of a toxic relationship. we all feed into each others issues by bragging and making emotional distress for each other. I thought I was in the worst depressive state possible. I was still functioning pretty well, I read all the time I still did the things I liked, I was still me. Then I started to issolate myself and it got so much worse.

 

You are not alone,this is only the begining of my story. I lived and im happy and you can be too. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression go to thirteenreasonswhy.com for multiple reasources for teens

Baby Steps

Today is my first day creating a blog. I have always wanted to get my story out, to have someone hear it. I want to be heard and to let others just like me know that I hear them too. I really think this blog will help me do that. I have a lot to say and i’m not sure how to do it but i’m sure as hell going to try. I might mess up but yet gain what’s the fun in being perfect. Our life has mistakes ,mistakes aren’t our lives.

moon and stars
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